Prologue:
I am feeling a little
nostalgic probably because this is the last blog I am writing about
"ISB&M" parties....though of course I am a little bit relieved as
well coz NO MORE shall I have to endure the HORROR of fashion disasters who
swarm together even more often than locusts....this blog will be a little dark
so u have to forgive me coz a lot of Supernatural watching tends to have a
"dark" effect on my writing.....this blog is also very special coz I
am writing it in collaboration with my bitch-sister, my partner in crime at
ISB&M for 2 yrs n of course a lady who has spunk, style n class all rolled
in one. So here goes. Oh and a tiny thing, I know I am a drama queen and a
bitch so I am just going to mix them together here n dish it out.
The theme "Red
Carpet Affair" was befitting a batch like ours but then again it's only
because of women like us and men who we know to be well dressed that actually
"fit" the category. And like always, we do have our fair share of
disasters and catastrophes. The irony of it all, it was just like the Red
Carpet, some dressed to perfection while others dressed to entertain the
well-dressed and the "aam-janta" watching their favorites on the red
carpet. The trends in vogue this season as far as my fashion knowledge goes (n
trust me, it is par excellence) is animal print, lace, subtle shimmer and solid
colors.
I did see a lot of solid
colors but they were in the NOT SO subtle shimmer. I get it, red carpet and
all, first time, nervousness but that does not mean you turn it into an
eye-sore for others, the shimmer or the silkiness of your dresses (yes, there
WERE more than one) was totally uncalled for, probably coz it is summer AND the
a/cs weren’t turned on so your dresses ladies, were a complete turn-off.
A lot of women I know, when
joined college were thin (well, in my dictionary, you are either fat or thin,
nothing in between), probably the long hours of studying n making ppts and
being the teacher's pet (wasn't there a movie by that name, a psycho thriller)
made you put on oodles of weight which I OBVIOUSLY will not hold against you
but picking up something from 'Moms n Me' or that other maternity store in camp
whose name eludes me at the moment, u leave me with no other choice but to
mention you here sweety. I mean, who does that??? And if you really did want
something from there, u could have done us all a favor by picking up something
more, ummm, flattering for yourself. All the hard work of 2 yrs has gone
"phish" in the air, just like that.
Someone I know very well,
very close to me as well, unfortunately did not take any cues from me. A
BEAUTIFUL LBD with shoes to match (what can I say, I am a sucker for shoes)
ruined it with a SO NOT well matched cape. WHY, pray tell me WHY???
White is the color of
purity, virginity, blah, blah, blah (hope u get the drift). Well, we had a lot
of ladies dressed in white; the only issue being those who dressed in that
color had their cherry popped more than a million times. My point- you never
want to wear a color that does not suit you and THIS color is strictly out of
bounds for you coz what you wear is what you are and honey, we all know how far
away you are from the reality of it all.
Coming to our 'Student
Council' and it's esteemed departments, I know you work really hard for
EVERYONE in college etc all, but keeping your fashion sense a teeny bit updated
will never hurt you- black, white and brown with the last thing looking like
you pulled it off a snake is SO not happening. "The little round lard of
fat, almost begging to be attended to" I have said it a GAZILLION times
and I will REPEAT for your tiny cranium, when you are tiny, it is a sign from
the Gods for you to be that way, wearing a tinier dress with heels the height
of Naomi Campbell and obviously a size too big for your foot is not getting you
any points. Not from me or from anyone else. Seriously, go and check. I am
telling you, my niece from another breed who is about the same height as you
has better choices in life. Watch and learn my dear, Watch and Learn (so I
copied it from Body of Lies, but hey, it is the truth and it hurts).
Ok so Red Carpet implies
a gala event like the Cannes, Grammies, BRIT Awards, hell even the AVN awards
but that does not give you the right to go AVN ALL THE WAY!!!! LORDDDY!!!! This
is for those who have NEVER in their lives, even SEEN the invite pass of a
party. Which is why this sudden removal of parental scrutiny has lifted their
every sense of dignity and let them show us far, FAR more than we wished for
(plz note, I got this from the boys, lest I might sound overtly sexist)!!!
Coming to my favorite
ladies who have always been the centre of my scrutiny for the whole of 2 yrs of
them n me being in ISB&M, why is it that u never read my blogs or even if u
do, choose to ignore my words of wisdom. It really breaks my heart. Get over
it, no matter how much fair n lovely or whatever fairness cream it is that u
use, u shalt not become any more the fairer so next time please just find the
exact color of foundation to match your face. The women standing at those
cosmetic counters are present there just so they can help ignorants like you.
All the way from Greece/Athens to Lokandwala, I must say u have come a LONG way
baby n it is time for you to go home. It was the red carpet, not a wedding
carpet. Gold shimmer in the dress with silver crystal studded wedding sandals n
a clutch to match the shoes, trust me if Donnatella Versace was to see you, she
would have stopped designing a long time ago. Also, when Jennifer Lopez walks
the red carpet sans- underwear, THAT, ladies n gentlemen, is what we know as
"HOT". But when one of our ladies decided to wear done up hair, an
item-girl gown, coats n coats of makeup, how COULD we excuse her for forgetting
to wear the basics and let them "just" be???
Also, I was not aware
that we had gathered for an environmentalist cause at the party. Had I known, I
would have dressed slightly better like someone who fit the bill. Green dress
with the same green excess coat of eye shadow, the only thing missing were
green shoes with probably something more eco-friendly as your hair accessory n Voila,
we have our very own cause for not wanting to be seen anywhere close to the one
mentioned earlier.
For my second favorite
who ALWAYS manages to steal the show with an OVERDOSE of sleaze; blonde streaks
do not suit the Indian skin and even Kareena Kapoor was quick to pick that up.
But not our Little RED Riding Hood, who is anything BUT "little". She
will be daunted by none but everyone will be haunted by her avatar that
evening, I'm sure.
Oh and identical twins
are a rage only at parties themed "Halloween", NOT "Red
Carpet". Enough said!!!
I recall it was the
Red Carpet, which is where the Rakhi Sawants are either not invited, or are
allotted personal stylists so that we don’t have the other people getting
migraine attacks from the murderous tin-gold sequins on a dress!!!
Some people were so busy
making a fool of themselves all of their 2 yrs of Post Graduation, that they
bought one pair of faded denim shorts and decided to run that for all themes- Hawaiian,
Red Carpet...probably even "Domestic Help"!!!!
For someone who came
across as a very sweet person initially but showed her true colors as time wore
on, when your hair looks like a 3 month old swab of Scotch-Brite and your face
like the winter dessert, how much can a shapeless, badly-fitted,
curtain-textured black-gown help you??? Just because you wore the greatest geek
as your arm candy, doesn't mean you can get away with that B-Grade Tamil Grade
Actress look. For Pete's sake, Lady, do yourself a favor n stop flaunting pics
of that nightmarish look on Fb.
Some were last seen only
at the 1st party of their duration at ISB&M because back then they had a
mommy for a roomie who also had a good wardrobe and lent her sexy dresses.
Can't do much with a pretty face and a zero sense of style, can you???And O my, the
"wild" animal seemed to be promiscuous with her absence. We missed
some extra additions to the "attention-seeking club". The sleaze
balls sure missed their queen. The girl-in-the-gold looked lonely without her
partner in crime, where crime implicates LOUD, CRASS and VULGAR style - of
wardrobe and of personality! Your absence only upsets me that I have one point
of content less to get applauded for!
Also, cute as it may be,
my fat women either need to be self-critical and be AWARE of the prevalence of
cellulite on their body parts. And if you're not, that’s what I'm here for. If
your mommy never told you, neither did your best friends and nor did the
mirror; lumps of fat hanging from where your triceps should have been, is NOT a
turn-on and is definitely NOT a thing to flaunt. Don’t sneer at me, my
"PLUS SIZED" ones. I know you are secretly glad that I am telling u
this! (I know you were secretly waiting for it too!). My fat and dark ones, I
know, you wish every waking day of your life that you were slightly thinner but
then again who can question the structure of your body except for the One who
made it??? So the next time, you might want to wear a color that suits you and
hide the elephant thighs while you are at it. Dancing like you are trying to
seduce someone (including the facial expressions) while wearing sumthin like
that, is not even going to work in a place like India let alone a strip club in
Vegas and Burlesque is a LONG way for u baby!!!!
The boys really did outdo
themselves this time so much so, they found a slot in my blog.
Topping the list is the "Blondie
of the year", it was the Red Carpet Affair sweety and not "Who will
be the Bestman at my Best Friend's Wedding".
And then there were
others; with the blatant transition from his ‘Bob’ Marley days of PG1 to his
neck-tie and cropped hair look at the Red Carpet, my ‘Bitch-Sista’ voted him
the "Cutie of the evening".
My deep friend, looked
like a very well groomed midget from Gulliver's travels (n this is in da nice
way, in case the nimrods are wondering).
For the guy whose last
name sounds like the name of a feminine private part must have heard somewhere
about the hotness quotient of leather jackets. Poor chap never heard of the
subtlety or the originality of it though. Threw on a tacky foam alternative
with blinding glitters on it and managed to get even THAT drenched in sweat by
dinnertime.
Think twice before you
write this point off as irrelevant, because, it may not be about clothing, but
it certainly is about STYLE. Because nothing spells "style" out more
significantly than dignity, class and demeanor. To women and men alike - please
do not consume more alcohol than you can handle. Not only is it illegal,
annoying, disgusting and messy. But it also causes collateral damage - to your
reputation, to the way you will be perceived here on. Without
sounding preachy, may I just say, somewhere, deep down there, more often than
not, you want to prove a point. And you're so weak that you can't do it without
the help of alcohol. I hope that sums it up. And even the people who hi-five
with you and cheer you on to go ahead, have that extra shot and misbehave that
extra bit, wake up next morning laughing AT u.
The Red Carpet's motto is
"Dress to Impress" and Impress everyone did. Just not the way they
would have all wanted to though. But what the hell!!! Last party and last (hold
that Thought) blog. We still have the convocation to look forward to. Till then
kiddies, u know u love me
X.O.X.O
FashionBlogger (Who
doesn't love Gossip Girl????)
